NOTICE: I published and wrote these joke reviews back in 2011 under another name and personality on another website. For prosperity’s sake I’ve placed them here with the correct time stamps and the name octopuss. Enjoy!

I was in my local 99cent store buying gear for my next adventure.  Aside from boring medical supply’s I needed a bandana, why?

To protect my neck from the sun while I ride my bike, to dip it in water and keep my neck cool, to cover my mouth and nose around bad smells, to filter muddy water before I put in water treatment drops… the simple bandana is truly a multifunctioning tool.

I decided on a 95% polyester, 5% cotton mix.

That left me with two choices.

 

Nice right? I picked purple. I think it looks awesome for 99cents.

Once I got out of the store I dipped it in water, tied it around my neck and kicked off on my bike downhill.

It felt wonderful. But it quickly dried itself, I later realized  I should have gotten 100% cotton.

There is a overwhelming number of choices, none of which really matter.Its not life or death after all.  I say you make the best educated choice you can and run with it. It might just stress you out in real life but…

Hesitation will get you killed

In

Spelunky.

[download]

In spelunky you go down. DEEP down into a cave. The cave is broken up into  4 worlds built on top of each other, each comprising of 4 levels.  Each level is expected to be completed in about a minute or two. Along the way you collect treasure and overcome obstacles and enemy’s as you would expect in a platformer. It culminates with a boss fight at the very end.

It sounds so easy, even if the levels are hard with a little bit of trial and error you’ll learn what to do, you’ll punch the buttons in the right order and win.

Oh but the game is nothing like that. This game is so much more. Because spelunky is randomly generated. Every time you play the game. Every level you step into is different than any one before it. Games have done this before, but not quite like this.

Miyamoto’s legend of Zelda was a attempt to bring the spirit of exploring a cave to video games in 1986.  Derek Yu’s spelunky perfected it in 2008 .  A year later Notch began work on a “cave game” that would bring spelunky to a higher level by stripping it of its gamey structure for a much deeper focus on exploration and creativity.

And while I like minecraft

I like Spelunkly so much more.

I want to let you all know that its coming to something called the X-box 360 this year.

My favorite part about this trailer is how disarmingly easy  the music makes the game seem.

No Spelunky is a constant fight for survival and that’s what makes it so damn cool. Every enemy is a serious threat, every trap could end your life. Spelunky is full of moments where you look across the room, you see something you want and you walk away, because its not worth it. When your life ends you lose everything.

The sheer complexity of the game is beautiful.  A fully interactive environment overloaded with secrets, Spelunky is closest any game has come to matching the experience of off-terrain hiking.

It’s a gem of a game I really can feel proud about beating. It requires true skill, a iron focus and understanding of the game mechanics to complete spelunkly

Although I have beaten the game I have never managed to get to the legendary city of gold. Perhaps you can young adventurer.

Good luck…

NOTICE: I published and wrote these joke reviews back in 2011 under another name and personality on another website. For prosperity’s sake I’ve placed them here with the correct time stamps and the name octopuss. Enjoy!

 

 

“hey octopuss found Datura growing at our school” my ecological conscious friend casually said to me.

For once my vast knowledge of obscurity failed me.  what is Datura?

My friend explained that it’s a genus of plant that  is actually quite common on the west coast. It’s a weed that bears seeds that can be a powerful hallucinogenic when made into a tea.

Wow!  A plant as indie and nonconformist as me! Growing wherever it pleases, yet unheard of and unappreciated despite its clear superiority to those plants around it. The more I thought about it this plant was me! Opening peoples eyes to new vistas of reality!

I had to meet this plant, so the two of us met up at the school and went about harvesting some seed pods.

He’s a bit of a professor and I trust him as much as I can trust a person on stuff like this. So when he suggested we take them, He said he researched it. He said it was safe. This is what the native American’s used to go on spirit journeys. It seemed like a fun adventure.

I wonder why this is so unheard of if its so awesome? My friends I’ll have you know that although I am a indie affachino I am no fool. I know that if this plant is really as indie as I am yet so prolific and common there must be a reason for its obscurity.

So I did my research. Let it never be said that Jonathan doesn’t do his research!

According to native American custom you can’t just take datura, a man not spiritually ready will be driven mad. The plant will give its seeds to you willing if you are ready to take its great power inside you.

Well that’s good and dandy but I’ve pissed on many indian graveyards and emerged unscaved. I don’t think that’s going to deter me.

But then I started to read personal accounts with the drug. People remaining high for days off of tiny doses, wandering off into the desert and almost dying of dehydration, men driven mad. Talking in gibberish, or worse eating from a bag of dry milk and when their mothers as why, turning to them and replying in a clear voice: “I’m eating mcdonalds”.

There is so much variation in dosage from every seed its impossible to tell if you are going to hallucinate for a hour or your entire life. Yes that’s right, some people get high and never come back. They no longer live in the real world.

Turns out the native Americans were pretty spot on. Fuck this. I phoned in my friend and we both agreed that the stakes were too high.

Its ok. I don’t need drugs to go on a acid trip, I can always boot up…

Space Funeral

By thecatamites

http://gamejolt.com/freeware/games/rpg/space-funeral/3492/

Want a fun jrpg that you can beat in a hour?  Play this game now. I’m serious. This game is a trip and talking about it is just going to spoil your adventure.  Its only a hour, you don’t need a review just play it.

Not convinced? Look at this screenshot:

You know this game is good. How many games let you fight blood wolves? Yeah just this one.  That boy in the pajamas? That’s you CRYING over how magnificent this blood wolf is.

Go have fun, you don’t need me to hold your hand on this one. I’ll be here and we can talk about it later ok?

—–

Space funeral kicks off with a funeral, Yours.

“You should leave” your zombie father says.

“Eat your greens” your mother says.

you walk out sobbing and things keep getting weirder.

You quickly learn the world isn’t the way it should be, and set out on a quest to restore it. with one of the best side kicks in video game history

 

LEG HORSE!

He’s a horse made out of legs who used to be a prince?

He’s pretentious and demanding of others but I would be mad too if I was turned into a horse made out of severed legs. Totally understandable.

Much like a drug trip, the game seems to be built entirely on nonsense, but then things start to make sense, at least you think they do.

The game cheats a little.  It has one of the best soundtracks of any video game I’ve ever played and it does more than complement the story, the music plays as much of a role in the game as the Graphics. You might think the creator is some sort of musical Genius but he uses using vintage music you haven’t heard of unless you are my cousin indie music mollusk.

Still the use of music in this game is absolutely inspiring.

And that’s what its really all about, the graphics, and the incredible music and the story all work together to carry a strong voice that draws you in into the games world.

You forget you are on your computer playing a video game.

Then you have fun.

Thanks for pleasuring me in  a way I don’t even know how to articulate catamites,

-octopuss