NOTICE: I published and wrote these joke reviews back in 2011 under another name and personality on another website. For prosperity’s sake I’ve placed them here with the correct time stamps and the name octopuss. Enjoy!
Its the forth of July and I’m at my aunts.
I say hi to everyone, yes I’m excited to be here.
I’m not looking forward to the fancy catering, I don’t care about the fireworks or a good intellectual conversation
I’m here to play and have fun with my family.
For some reason I’m the only one in the pool over the age of 12. Why is it after they hit puberty people forget how to play?
Most Adults suffer from a terrible condition where they are unable to have fun.
Most adults need to consume mind altering drugs such as alcohol to cut loose and have fun.
Or they need organized sports in order to play.
Its tragic. Absolutely tragic. What is wrong with adults? How did they forget what it is to be human?
Ryan climbs on my shoulders and Sam climbs on his and I walk around the pool carrying the both of them.
I guess at some point young humans are taught that its not ok to be silly.
My friends and I play around in the pool, then I towel off and sit down in front of a fire to write.
Today we are talking about a game called:
I HAVE CANDY GET IN THE VAN by Michael Vendittelli
I HAVE CANDY GET IN THE VAN condenses a lifetime of working with children into a short 7 minute session.
The game kicks off after a week of working as a driver in the peaceful costal town of Alswell, Canada you are a nobody in this town, working like a dog for a lousy apartment. Its your only free day of the week and you plan to invest it working with children
As I started up the game for one more play before my review my friends crowded around me.
“Oh octopuss what game are you playing?”
“Its called: I have candy get in the van”
“Did you make this game?”
“No, I wish, I do have a shooting game I made recently, if we have time I’ll let you play it.”
“Cool! Can we watch?”
“Uh ok”
“Why are the kids climbing into your van?”
“Because I have candy”
“Why are you picking them up?”
“So I can give them my lessons”
“Why did he call the cops on you Jonathadio?”
“Adults don’t trust each other around children. Its ok I’ll just hide behind this building until the cops give up looking for me.”
After I picked up all the kids I had time to take them on a activity.
After some good healthy exercise at the park I drove them back to my house for tutoring.
As the questions came up my friends were quick to call out the answers.
5!
42!
“Germany!” “No Sweden!”
“Too late, I picked germany. Little suzy was wrong! Should I encourage or chastise her?”
“Chastise!”
the game suggested I upgrade to yell. I quickly declined
“Aww why didn’t you yell at them?”
“Its never ok to yell at someone. ”
Later on I was carelessly speeding and I hit a woman crossing the street.
“Oh dear I’ve killed her.”
“My friends in the game got scared and asked me to wait for the police.
My friends who were looking over my shoulder had something entirely different in mind:
“Drive!”
“But I-”
Why are you slowing down? Get out of there octopuss!”
I put my foot hard on the pedal and drove the kids to the toy store , which calmed them down a bit and then back to my apartment for more lessons.
After the 3rd week the game ends with a big epilogue tailored to my actions in the game.
Its mostly focused on the children and how you impacted their futures.
What keeps this game apart from a silly simulation is the detail put into these tiny faceless sprites. Every child is unique and special. But this isn’t apparently obvious, you must go over the read me file and there is more that will come to light uncover by interacting with them in your apartment.
The town is a stage, all the adults, yourself included are faceless.
In the end its all about the kids.
You can leave town right at the beginning, and see what happens to the kids without you to guide them.
One of the kids asked me to put down his own review of the game. I’ll leave that here:
“Tell them that I think it was a very good educational game. I learned a lot” A strange thing to say, I don’t think the game taught him anything. Perhaps it did and I missed it.
Thanks Michael
-Jonathadio