After the critical failure that was my LAST AND FIRST BATCH of home made ice cream where I attempted to create a cream and fruit mixture that used no sugar I came to find that making ice cream requires just the right mixture, too thin and you have ice slushies on your hand, and as in my case too thick and you’ll be enjoying a cold bowl of whipped frozen cream. Whats worse it tasted bland something fixed with the very ingredient I was trying not to use: sugar.

So this time I based my creation on a recipe from THE INTERNET.

Sugar – 1/2 cup
2 egg yolk
1 cup milk
2 cupa heavy cream

2 tablespoons of shitty imitation vanilla extract that looks at least 5 years old.

Now to start I cracked the eggs into a bowl, hold on to that thought, I forgot to tell you something, that being earlier today I was saddened to discover that some antwad(this most likely being myself ) turned the dial in my fridge up to MAX effectively freezing everything.

So as I cracked my eggs into the bowl I had no trouble  realizing something was very wrong:

That’s right, someone replaced my eggs with  dog testicles .

Disgusting. Oh well Lets carry on,

I cracked the eggs open with a fork and poured in the sugar and  imitation vanilla

D:

So as I defrosted the eggs in the microwave I set the milk % cream on the stove, warming it until it was light and frothy

I then slowly worked in the egg mix and cooked the thing until it became a thick custard. I then set it in ice to cool.

I pulled out my ice cream machine and added the mix with a assortment of frozen berries.

After a short while the ice cream was finished and ready to be wrapped away.

Wow! It actually came out quite good.

But my fun times were not to last. While I was writing this report dear reader a series of events were set into motion that ended in my works termination.

A knock at my door. The house keeper calling out my name. I open the door, I hear 3 words: “Help Me Jonathan” and there she was, glasses impaled into her face. The frame imbedded in her eyelid. “I tripped” she said, gathering paper towels to wipe up the blood.  “Take it out”

“Uh” I said looking carefully at the damage “I don’t have the tools for this, I’m calling a ambulance.”

“but I have no money”

“Don’t worry about that now, Just sit down and relax I’ll take care of everything” I said as  I started to talk to the operator.

After that things went rather smoothly

Firemen arrived very quickly and prepped her for the ambulance that arrived shortly thereafter.

It was only afterwards that we realized she took with her all the keys for the house.

Just as I was first turned to me for help before I was immediately asked if I could pick the lock to the medicine cabinet. They thought I could use my collection of tools to disassemble electronics to take down the door, I had something better.

“Actually I have the tools for this” I said running upstairs and reaching into the dark recesses of a drawer where I had been keeping something of a most questionable use. My lock pick set. Despite being my first time using them, in half a minute I had the massaged the lock open. High fives were given and reliving myself of any other responsibilities I returned upstairs to play alien swarm  online with my friends.